Boy, that's a somewhat overused and underworked word. I hate being consumed by it. I think it is the fear of it which drives me. What makes me get up in the morning as I haven't had a stable job for almost 18 months and the fear of going back to one sends me into overdrive of what I can do within my own power and ability to make me a successful person in my eyes and in my world.
But there's only so much I can do to keep it at bay. Ultimately I always succumb to it on some level. I detest it when it happens. It's such a damn awful feeling...a state of numbness....waiting for it to pass sure feels like hell in a timeless bottle.
I've been out of action for 3 days. Before that I was head first into the action of everything. Launched myself into a hectic social life at full throttle, not out of choice but more out of necessity; a means by which to earn some keep.
I keep complaining about how bad this summer is but it really is so bad. The worst on my memory's record. Today, the highlight of my day was penning a letter of complaint to my landlord. Yes, it made me sound like a frigid, spinster prude complaining about people having sex on the stairs and 'youths' smashing up vodka bottles but hell I was happy when I got a quick reply back and informed there was a meeting about everything taking place on Friday of which none of the residents are invited to. Bummer. Our correspondence has made me question paying what I thought was reasonable/cheap rent to live in the middle of goddamn hell but Mister Landlord is quick to play this down and blames it on the police of course:
'We have tried to get this situation rectified sooner and have been in touch with the police countless times over the youths hanging around but have now been told in no uncertain terms not to contact the police regarding the youths unless they are actually assaulting someone. Quite outrages I'm sure you will agree.'
Outrages? Don't you mean 'outrageous'? This spinster has got her red pen out at the ready and is marking you down, boy! Jesus, at least it makes me feel alive when I spot all your grammar and spelling mistakes. This certainly IS the highlight of my day. I don't know who to pity more - me or you, Mister Landlord.
This is not right and it's not fair. Now I don't want to move for another 2 weeks or encounter any humans unless it's via the medium of 2D and screens.
Apathetic summer...I will grow to love you..